Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
