hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Drunk is a universal language darling
Someone signed my nipple.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
