Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My vagina is officially offended.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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