You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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