I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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