I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
