She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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