i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize