I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
