Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
