I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
