I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
