Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
