you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
