The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
