He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
