my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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