I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize