The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
