How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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