we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
