No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
