im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
