i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize