You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
