i already hear my dad disowning me
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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