Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
We need to get me chipped asap
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