last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
