I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
