its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize