the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
