Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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