In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
