Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
