i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
