Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(815): View more from Illinois

I gave up sex with dolphins for you.

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(815): View more from Illinois

my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime

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(716): View more from New York

For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston

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(816): View more from Missouri

He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.

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(928): View more from Arizona

If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.

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(534): View more from Wisconsin

He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.

(203): View more from Connecticut

He's like a mythological figure

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