It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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