When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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