I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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