Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Are we still banned from the library?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
