I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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