Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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