I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize