Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I am one with the molecules
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
