I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
it glows. i had to have it.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
