...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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