Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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