I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
