the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
