happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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