i wish my penis had a tongue
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
