please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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