Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
