yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
