I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
