Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
