the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
my shit smells like andre
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
