I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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