You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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