my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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