nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
