I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
