I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
