It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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